Sandra Paxton

Letter to Mom
27 years ago this journey began. It started with lots of screaming, and commands to "push".
Before then mom, you were a scared teenager who wasn't prepared for a world of massive
change. You were charged with bringing a life into this world. You were a mother.
This life would go on to create three more beautiful lives, and swear to you that he would do
great things.
You were completely unsure of yourself and you owned it anyway. You spent many tireless hours
and days, weeks, months, taking care of this life. Often alone as your partner was running off to
help keep your little family safe, to fight someone else's war.
You spent many tireless hours and days, learning how to feed me, and change diapers. And
then it changed again, as another life got created. You created my little brother. He was a new
Evolution of your world. He became another new baby for you to breathe life into and grow.
More diapers ensued, more food.
Dad and you would proceed to do what you could to keep this life growing.
As we grew older, and then another life in the form of a baby girl came about, your family you
created with your partner began to grow bigger and things continued from there.
Arguments were had, many fighting words said between you and dad.
You both wanted what was best for us, and the pain became great. You continued onwards
anyway because you loved all of us.
I was a scared little boy growing up in a dark world, and you kept me close, to give shelter,
shower with hugs, and reassuring kisses.
You were a scared girl, trying to manage all of this as a teenager and then a young adult. You
kept going because you were a mother. This was your new purpose, to give all of us life.
Later on after many games of Tetris, Alladin, and many different movies from the 80s, and 90s,
we were growing together, all three of us. Then, 4 of us.
You needed help from others, and kept an enormous heart of love. If anyone needed help with
anything, you tried your best.
Sometimes that was in the form of roommates, sometimes that was in the form of neighbors or
close friends.
Things got hard when I was a teenager, and then my brother was a teenager. It became harder
for you to handle us, but you still did what you could.
You held me as I cried woes of childhood, you became our best friend, and our single most
unconditional companion. You were there for my brother when he needed you, and always would
tell him "your my baby boy, and my best friend. I'm here for you."
And when I was terrified of different things happening, whether it was bullies, or just school
being scary, you would hug me, and turn on a movie to reassure me things would be okay. That
we would get through it together.
As the years crawled by, and things got more crazy, it became harder to deal with.
All of our pieces were held together by a certain puppy named "Aries". He chose you first and you
chose him, he knew you were the mom that could take care of him, and help him grow, like you
did all of us.
You had a fallout with dad, and it was tragic to see you two falling apart, but the single most
thought you always had, "make sure our kids are okay, Leo, make sure we take care of our kids.
They need to stay happy, even if we aren't."
You spent some years being homeless, bouncing between places, relying on the goodness of
people's hearts, trying to find refuge. People loved you wherever you went.
When you felt alone, and you were on your own, us kids taken elsewhere to find refuge when all
of our worlds fell apart, you found Jose. A life long partner who held you, and helped you as you
tried to piece yourself together.
He understood you, listened to you, and needed you, you did the same for him.
You two would spend 12 long years with unconditional love and longstanding companionship, he
would go on to be a fantastic and wise step dad, who never left or abandoned you.
In the meantime, a few years later, after we all had our years of trying to heal on our own, we all
came back together, and rekindled anew.
We would spend many years, watching movies together, playing cards against humanity, joking
around, bonding together.
I would go on to marry an awesome woman, who you loved as your own daughter, and have 3
amazing grandkids.
Aryien loves his Nana, and so does Castiel. Phoenyx adored her "Nana", and still asks for you to
this day, despite her very young and frail age, she's not even 1 years old yet.
You were in Aryien's life the next day of his life and were in love on sight. You held him and loved
him the minute you held him.
Told everyone you left in California, "I'm going to see my grandkid, my baby boy."
Aryien has spent the last few years of his life loving his nana, and loving his "Tata". To the point
when he was old enough to walk and talk, he'd say "I'm going to Nana's" defiantly, even when
Daddy(Me), said "maybe later." He got his shirt, pants, and shoes on and pointed at the door and
said "let's go da. Nana's." And then he walked me to your place and as you held him, all happy that
he definently wanted to go to Nana's.
"I love you, Nana."
You held Phoenyx and said "I'm in heaven right now, bliss, this is my granddaughter."
During this time, many kids who had lost connection with what they could call home, you opened
up your heart, and home and became a mom to them too.
Never too much for you to share love, never too many kids to be a "mom" to.
You always said "I love all of my kids, blood or not. I want them all to know they have a home."
You missed your father who had passed away at this point, and our family puppy "Aries", who had
also passed. You were torn apart with grief, and weren't sure how to continue. We all took our
turns holding you and trying to give back the love you gave us.
Mom, you loved Echo Muse, and Jonah's band, Austin, Rain, and his family, and all the kids you
took in, and had them all consider your home their second home.
We all loved you and considered you our mom, someone who held us, and loved us.
You loved Kloe, who came from an abused home, and gave her another chance at knowing what
being loved meant. You loved Aries as one of your kids, and were torn apart when he left this
world.
You listened to our stories of our lives, our trials, were there for Andrew in his darkest moments,
reminding him frequently he wasn't alone in his frequent court battles and with brief time
being homeless(a couple years), and would listen to me read out scenes in the book when my
confidence heavily wavered. Always pushing me along to give me massive confidence boosts.
To help me share my voice.
You pushed Andrew along as well, listening to his songs and giving him that appreciated feeling,
telling him to do great things with his heart and soul.
You adored Echo Muse, and were Austin's second mom.
The world doesn't seem the same with you gone, seems to have lost some of its color, and soul.
You were a big soul, and had a huge heart, and the world lost that.
Our world shattered with you gone.
My world crumbled when I realized "mommy is gone."
I had to remember that Aries carried through to the bitter end, and to do one of the hardest
things in my life, let my mommy go, let her shed herself of her pain, of her endless suffering when
your body could no longer take it.
"With great power, comes great responsibility." You always told me that line would become
important, if you only knew how much.
You told me to put that into the stories in some way, to give people that light, the same light you
gave me. To inspire others to do great things, when the shadows crawled over us, and work to
eat us whole.
I'm doing what I can to do what we always talked about.
All we have is each other, and our memories of you to keep us all going.
We all terribly miss you, and are stitching ourselves together in your absence.
To find the light that is beaming down on us from above, that leaves an echo that continues to
spin in your absence.
You told me to keep the light inside me burning, to do the things I was meant to, to never give up,
never stop trying. To give my kids the best life, to keep your grandkids happy. You told Andrew
the same thing. In the darkest hours you were there, and often it was you and me, like in the
beginning. Sharing our pain, sharing love, sharing time.
It began 27 years ago with you and me, and ended like a mirror image, with you on a hospital bed
(the same one that started my kid's lives), and me at your side, holding your hand like we were at
the beginning. To the bitter end, with love and pain, yin and yang.
Even in Death may you be triumphant, running with Aries and your dad and all those we've lost, in
the meadows of heaven.
I'll always love you mom, and I miss you more than anything.
Last modified: 12:26 PM